So, in Springfield Township, what’s a woman to do when she’s desperately in love and the object of her affection is her best friend who’s in love with her, too, but is deeply religious and hasn’t found the strength to tell her ungrateful, recently home from prison, rude snot of a son that she’s in love right back at her? So they can get down to business and maybe actually kiss each other?

First, the obvious: Olivia loves Natalia. Natalia loves Olivia. It’s just that simple… and that complex. But that’s another story… Right now, we’re discussing vexations. Of the physical variety… like… sex… or, rather, not having it…

So how do you resolve your sexual frustrations in the wake of being, basically, the only established couple in town who hasn’t gotten it on…? Like ever…?

Well, you’ve already done the food as sex metaphor. First there was the Great Peanut Butter Incident just before the spa trip-that-settled-some-things-but-really-didn’t… Then we had 50 Dozen Cookie Baking Day, in which first raisins, then cookies were casually fed from Olivia fingers to Natalia‘s lips… The very next morning, while clad in a shimmering magenta robe, Olivia called Nat and left an incredibly suggestive voice mail message about cookies and baking that I honestly believe had absolutely nothing to do with cookies or how a convection oven turns them into warm, edible treats.

And, honestly, did anyone really see any peanut butter on Natalia’s face? No? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Good for Liv, making that move. I hope everyone was taking notes.

(and really, let’s not forget Liv practically making love to that muffin while talking to Josh at Company. You can’t forget it? Yeah, didn’t think so…)

Anyway, here you have Olivia Freakin’ Spencer, the walking, talking embodiment of sex on a stick. She knows she’s a sexual being. Natalia knows she’s a sexual being. Josh knows (boy, does Josh know!), everyone knows Olivia is a very sexual being. The characters on Another World know Olivia’s a very sexual being, and that show’s been off the air since 1999…

So poor Liv tried everything. First she kissed Josh, which, okay, we can forgive her for because, seriously, have you seen Josh? Of course, she’s giving off waves of sex pheromones that all the men in Springfield can apparently smell because suddenly even Matt is hitting on her…

So after “the kiss” poor Liv was even MORE frustrated. She knew it wasn’t Josh she wanted to be kissing, but she also knew she wouldn’t be kissing Natalia anytime soon. What’s a girl to do?

Well, she tried a little yoga. And that was a mistake…  First you have the calming female voice rather suggestively telling Olivia to relax, which she desperately tried to do, then what positions to contort her body into. Something about pressing downward… which… guh…

Poor Liv. Unable to take it any longer, she stumbles to her feet (literally), jams on a pair of Adidas Superstars and exits her suite with all the dignity she can muster… which is amazing considering she didn’t completely get one appendage all the way into a shoe.

She ends up shopping because… hey, are you frustrated? Nothing eases that sexual tension like giving the old credit card a workout. And apparently the local Springfield Township lingerie shop features more than just lingerie…

Like, apparently, they sell aids. And by aids I mean… “Aids” *winkwinknudgenudge*. I’m guessing the idea is, if the lingerie doesn’t get you what you need, there’s your back-up plan.

Drawn like a moth to a flame… or a frustrated woman to a table filled with gift-wrapped sexual toys… Olivia wanders over and, with the a sort of morbid curiosity, begins to look through them.

Of course, who should magically appear at just this moment? Blake. Blake, who apparently not only shops there but is quite familiar with the products and the store layout. (“This stuff is great. They actually have more in the back.”) Blake, who’s been on a dry spell longer than poor Liv.

Blake, who obviously has the Olivia version of the Nat-tracker…

And she’s encouraging Olivia to buy a little friend. Yes, okay, I’ll say it. A vibrator. Blake is encouraging Olivia Freakin’ Spencer, who has slept with more men than Springfield actually has in its population, to buy a vibrator.

Yes, everyone, Guiding Light went there.

Not only did they go there, they STAYED there for a good long while as Blake expounded on their usefulness, their tact and discretion. And she even told Liv that she should have gotten the red one because “red looks good on you”.  I can assure you that words immediately jumped into my mind and nearly out my mouth to correct Blakey but I managed to hold them in. Barely…

Without ever actually using the word “vibrator” or “dildo” or anything even remotely suggestive, the wonderful writing staff of Guiding Light made it incredibly clear exactly what was in those long slender boxes, what they were for, that Blake not only had one but used it and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

That. Is. Priceless. No other soap opera has taken on such a titillating topic and handled it quite so deftly with humor and, quite honestly, poignancy.

Olivia did make a purchase then spent quite a while agonizing over the decision, alternately freaked out and in deep denial that she would even use it. But I can believe that because Olivia doesn’t strike me as the type of woman who ever needed artificial…um… partners… (air quote, end air quote)

Eventually, she did chuck it in the trash, which, honestly, will be quite a tip for the housekeeper, before stumbling into yet another pair of shoes and hightailing it out to Natalia and the Farmhouse of Love. (Liv, hun, it really shouldn’t be that hard to slip into a pair of shoes)

I’m not sure if Olivia’s crisis was averted or if it just got worse with the trip to see Natalia, considering they spent the next several minutes caressing, touching and basically chastely canoodling right there on the steps to the farmhouse.

Liv may want to hurry back to the hotel before housekeeping empties her trash…

To be fair, Nat’s not immune from the frustrations, either, you know. In a fit of pique at her son, she wound up at Farley’s with Rage- er, I mean, Rafe and Frank, “knocking a few back” and following it up with a shot of something that looked suspiciously like whiskey before challenging them to a game of pool. Not being as comfortable with her sexual awareness as Olivia is, this was Nat’s coping mechanism. Slugging down a couple brewski’s was Natalia’s way of working past the fact that her son is a major obstacle in keeping her from ripping Liv’s clothes off right there in the front yard of the Farmhouse of Love…

Er, I mean… Natalia said it herself. She’s not that naïve…

**Thanks to Otaliafan and Donna Pool for the clips pulled from their YouTube account

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